I am of the utmost confidence that I came out of my mother's womb questioning everything - I am sure my parents and family could attest to this. I am also sure it is why I love science and why I have an extreme passion for any questions involving life. "Life" is the key word. I never questioned death, I never experienced it. This is one of the many reasons why my entire world changed when my brother, Zachary, died.
I have this pulling, calling, extreme desire to help the world's animals. Life is everything. Animals are creatures of our higher power. They are what make ecosystems function and they are the reason we are able to still survive. When anthropogenic sources cause ecosystems to suffer, I feel deeply wounded. Life is magical, I want to spend my life preserving it. When you grow up thinking that you will spend your entire life preserving life, and then your only sibling dies in their teenage years, it is beyond devasting. The depression that follows is unbearable - it is simply debilitating.
How do you grow from that?
How do you process grief in a healthy way?
What is healthy?
How do you converse with people that are equally affected but grieve very differently?
It was always me and Zach and not by choice (thankfully)... No matter what was going on in our family, in our lives, we were stuck together. Over time, over hard times, we became incredibly close. Naturally, I feel robbed of a lifetime with him. How do I live without my other half? Zach became my best friend, my partner in crime. I love him, deeply.
What have I learned? Grief is not pretty. Whatever other people see from the outside is never truly what is happening within. As much as you share with others, the constant memories and thoughts that go through your mind every minute of every day never amount to words. It's not worth it to be angry all the time, but it's always worth it to honor them as much as possible in any way you can.
Having a deep desire to preserve life and then at a young age having the death of a sibling haunt you.........it's a reminder. I write today to remind you to
hold the ones you love incredibly close. Tell people how you really feel because life is too short. Do what you love- follow your heart not your mind. I told my brother at his service and privately that I would stand tall for him. And I am here to remind you to stand tall for those you love, alive or passed, as well. Community is important, love is important, hugs are important, words matter. What do you make important? What is worth it to you?
(Extra points if you spot Melvin in the photograph. This photograph was unknowingly taken at the same time of Zachary's death......by me).
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